Saturday, 18 August 2012

creative urges

Hey guys. a ruminative post today, I am feeling introspective. Please excuse. I wanted to note, to myself more than anything, that today I have been gripped by the urge to KNIT.

Nothing new about that. But for the past couple of months I have been feeling very rubbish and the spark of creativity has pretty much gone out. one of the most debilitating things about depression for me is the way it makes me hate everything I make, until I don't want to make anything any more. After I finished Maddern's cardigan I declared, a bit dramatically, that I was not going to knit EVER AGAIN. I'm done with this shit, I hate it, picking up the needles makes me feel sick and I don't want to make shitty pointless pieces of useless crap any more. This turns out to be cyclic because another thing is that I don't want to see anyone, and I'm not interested in doing anything much. So I stare at the wall and despair. Then I don't want to do anything even more. Finally, I am going to bed at 8pm because I can't face my own stupid thoughts any more and then waking up 17 times a night in a panic. It's a fucking nightmare.

Making things is one of the things that got me out of massive, major, hideous depression last time. I went to Chorlton Knits and met nice people and started feeling better. Before that I used to lie on the couch 16 hours a day and cry at the thought of going to the shop for teabags. I am nowhere near that bad now but I am still pretty ropey. Helen Doesn't Make.

Anyway in a desperate bid to shut the noise in my head up I have started doing yoga and I needed a bag to put my yoga mat in so I can cart it around all over the place. I thought, oh I can crochet one. So I started doing that. It's pretty boring. However, some switch must have flicked in my brain and made me think about making things again. This morning I woke up with some splooshy ideas for interesting things. So I thought I would write about it. Making things is a nice way to calm your brain but you can't force it. If the very notion of making something makes you want to fall down a hole, don't bother. One day it will happen naturally. Wu Wei.

Well there you go, that was sort of cathartic I guess, I have not talked about depression on here before. I am nowhere near better but maybe this is a good sign. We'll see if I actually finish anything, bye bye.